The things that go through my head are contemplative, analytical, and reflective. I write to make sense out of the nonsensical. I like to organize information, even if it means coming to an ending which cannot be organized or answered.
Writing is a way to get the jumbled thoughts out of my head and into some kind of order.
I write lists.
I write goals. I write stories.
I write memories.
I write plans.
I rewrite lists….
Being a teacher has forced me into a reflective frenzy, so in order to avoid burdensome or defeating reflection, I have become a problem/solution writer. As a girl, I wrote to vent or express emotions - because I wasn't sure how to verbalize my feelings. Now, I tend to write to vent, but with the ultimate goal of coming to some sort of sanity-providing resolution. That resolution may be that something is out of my hands. At least I tried.
I tried to bottle it up.
Eventually, I realized that these worries were not idle worries. They were a longing for answers. Asking questions and demanding answers holds people around you accountable. They are less likely to take advantage of you. It also helps you create your own identity. You really figure out who you are and what you believe by asking questions.
"Sit down and be quiet."
Please hear me when I tell you…
I write more lists.
I lose lists. I rewrite lists….
Being a teacher has forced me into a reflective frenzy, so in order to avoid burdensome or defeating reflection, I have become a problem/solution writer. As a girl, I wrote to vent or express emotions - because I wasn't sure how to verbalize my feelings. Now, I tend to write to vent, but with the ultimate goal of coming to some sort of sanity-providing resolution. That resolution may be that something is out of my hands. At least I tried.
One of the great things about being an adult (sense the sarcasm??), is that people tell you to be who you are not. I remember being told as a young teacher "Don't worry about things that are out of your control." I thought there was something wrong with me.
I tried to suppress my worries.
I tried not to talk about my concerns. I tried to bottle it up.
Eventually, I realized that these worries were not idle worries. They were a longing for answers. Asking questions and demanding answers holds people around you accountable. They are less likely to take advantage of you. It also helps you create your own identity. You really figure out who you are and what you believe by asking questions.
Years later, I know that being told "Don't worry about things you can't control" was another way to say:
"Don't rock the boat."
"Do as you're told and don't ask questions." "Sit down and be quiet."
Please hear me when I tell you…
If you worry, there is nothing wrong with you.
It doesn't mean you lack self-control. It doesn't mean you are programmed incorrectly. It doesn't mean you need to lack faith.
It means you haven't figured out how to act on these worries the right way. Maybe God is sending you a sign (sometimes in the form of a panic attack) that He doesn't want you in that place any more. He has new plans for you - move on or slow down.
It means you haven't figured out how to act on these worries the right way. Maybe God is sending you a sign (sometimes in the form of a panic attack) that He doesn't want you in that place any more. He has new plans for you - move on or slow down.
I believe TRUST is a destination. I didn't know how to get there. Are there any direct flights? NO. You don't just let go. There's no switch to flip. It angered me to see some people so calm in the same situation that left me utterly gasping for air.
Here are some ways I've learned to take that journey to the magical land of TRUST.
1. Move on. Let it go.
Move on from a toxic or draining relationship.
Move on from a defeating job.
Move on from your own unreasonable expectations of yourself.
Move on from your own unreasonable expectations of yourself.
Notice I didn't say "Run away." You must try, commit. If you don't think God is telling you to move on, maybe he's saying "take a break."
2. Rest. Give it time.
Are you running yourself ragged? Do you need to take some time to yourself? Go on a long walk. Take a few laps around Target. Take some vacation time. Clear your head. Find a peaceful place and be still.
"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
Remind yourself that you may not understand the whole picture. This is my favorite verse. The second sentence is the part that I tend to skip over.
2. Rest. Give it time.
Are you running yourself ragged? Do you need to take some time to yourself? Go on a long walk. Take a few laps around Target. Take some vacation time. Clear your head. Find a peaceful place and be still.
"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
Remind yourself that you may not understand the whole picture. This is my favorite verse. The second sentence is the part that I tend to skip over.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will direct your path." Psalm 3:5-6
3. Let worry happen, but not overtake you. Just this week, I vented to a friend about a bunch of classroom circumstances that I knew were totally out of my control. Her words? "Breathe. Let's put this into perspective." She reminded me to not let one piece of the puzzle bully me into not seeing the whole picture. The best friends are the ones who let you sound like a lunatic, but then make you feel perfectly normal for sounding like a lunatic. They take your ramblings, and pull out the gold from the sludge.
Just don't stop venting. What happens if you don't open that steaming bag of popcorn to vent? The popcorn burns, gets soggy, and is inedible.
In my life, venting means praying, writing, or talking to a trusted friend. Maybe I'm too ADD (literally) for silent, "traditional" prayer. I work at it, but I prefer to write my prayers. Always have. Try it.
Finally, STOP APOLOGIZING! When you vent, do you apologize for venting? Whether I'm venting to a friend in writing or in person, I apologize. "I'm sorry, but I really need to vent." There, unfortunately, are people who will betray your trust and you may learn the hard way you cannot vent to.
Choose wisely young grasshopper.
Stop saying "sorry" to the people who have chosen to be there for you.
Chances are, you do the same for them on a regular basis.
